Friday, December 26, 2014

What Have I Done This Year?

Friday, December 26, 2014

Oh, it's that time of the year again.. It's nearly the end of 2014. I just need a little flashback then, about what have I done.

ps: i dont care if you dont care, but..

   Since the start of 2014 I have:

    Gotten a new piercing
    Dyed my hair.
    Ended a relationship. (kind of, or dumped? no idea)
    Started a new relationship. (not really)
    Brokenhearted. (hard)
    Fell in love. (harder)
    Been on a long car journey.
    Passed an exam. (i guess)
    Cried on someone’s shoulder.
    Had a massive fight with a boyfriends/girlfriends. (that was wild)
    Received flowers.
    Had a Valentine. (if it's including the time everything was ended. then yes)
    Written a letter using pen and paper. (god it was such a bad idea)
    Gone to see a therapist.
    Been prescribed medication by a doctor.
    Read a really good book.
    Gone to the zoo.
    Spent too much money on unnecessary things. 
    Traveled by train.
    Cried over someone.
    Spent a day out in the sun getting a tan.
    Slammed a door out of frustration.
    Had an anxiety/panic attack.
    Had a BBQ.
    Gone to the fair.
    Gone bowling.
    Gone to a concert. (dont ask)
    Seen a film at the cinema in 3D.
    Gone on a date.
    Helped someone home after they’d had too much to drink.
    Stayed up all night.
    Talked on the phone for over 2 hours.
    Supported someone who’d received bad news.
    Watched some kind of live sporting event.
    Read an entire book in one day.
    Bought a DVD the day it was released.
    Eaten McDonald’s more than four times in a single week.
    Cried as a result of exam stress.
    Met some incredible new people. (not quiet)
    Fallen backwards off a chair.
    Broken my glasses.
    Cried over someone in my past.
    Spent hours aimlessly browsing the internet.
    Thrown up.
    Cried over a film.
    Gone out of my way to avoid an ex-significant other.
    Been in a relationship for a year or longer.
    Cried for nothing. (and it was bad. so bad.)

Wow. Too much bad things actually happened. Way too much.

Next year? Please be better. Whole lot better.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Slightly Depressed

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

I need to do something, I fucked up for nothing
Just set my heart on fire, like Gasoline. ♬

So, I'm slightly feeling depressed for the late couple months, and I don't know how to deal with it than just stay up all night and cry. basically.

Why do I feel like this?

I found a Major Depression, and they are:
  • Alcoholism and drug abuse
  • A history of child abuse
  • Family history of depressive disorders
  • Chronic stress and anxiety
  • Certain medications
  • A life-changing event; good or bad
  • Chronic illness, particularly terminal diseases
  • Obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety and panic disorders
  • Borderline personality disorder
  • Eating disorder

Uhm, my reasons are not that extreme. They are just:
  • Society? Mainstream.
  • School? Basic.
  • Parents? Oh.
  • The OCDs, and
  • Brain.
  • Fucking Brain.
  • My Brain.
  • My Fucking Brain.
  • ...

The repetitive thoughts that I can't escape are literally inevitable. I don't want this thoughts — it feels like an avalanche.

Why won't my brain just let me be happy?

Friday, March 14, 2014

"A Letter."

Friday, March 14, 2014

"Because sending a letter is the next best thing to showing up personally at someone's door. Ink from your pen touches the stationary, your fingers touch the paper, your saliva seals the envelope, your scent graces the paper. Something tangible from your world travel through machines and hands, deposits itself in another's mailbox; their world. Your letter is then carried inside as an invited guest. The paper that was sitting on your desk, now sits on another's. The recipient handles the paper that you handled. Letters create a connection that modern and impersonal forms of communication will never replace." Unknown

Saturday, February 8, 2014


Saturday, February 8, 2014
February 4th, 2014
I come to the realization in the early hours of the morning. Birds are already singing their song outside, but the sky is still dark. There's a mere glimpse of light somewhere in the east. I roll on the bed, wishing ti go to sleep for at least another hour. That's when I catch the scene in the air. The sweet scent of milk is filling my lungs and I relax on the bed. I smiled involuntarily, stretching and scratching my nails. I pray and grateful for the sixteen years long to be alive in this unbelievable world.
I get up on my elbows, and roll off the bed. I close my eyes, slowly inhaling. I let my body enjoy that sweet scent before I head off to shower, to wash off the night and the morning sleepiness out of my eyes. As I close my eyes and step under the shower, I replace that sweet scent of air with the moldy, brisk scent of water running down my body. I erase my body of all smell, and finally inhale some freshness. I stand in the shower, protected from the world by the walls of the tiny room. I rest my senses, relaxing. 
I switch off the the water and slip out from underneath it, wrapping myself up in a massive towel. And go back to my room to change my clothes to uniform. Yeah, it's not fair that you still have school in your birthday. But,
Good morning,

Well.. Wow, so this is sixteen. Umm..

I guess I just wanted more. Sixteen is supposed to be the age of new beginnings and adventure and love and romance and craziness and passion and stories you'll remember for the rest of your life.
..but, that wasnt sixteen for me. It's the age of innocence mixed with dreams and life. It's supposed to be the YEAR. I expected all of that. It seems like everyone else got it too. Everyone else but me that is.
The first steps, the first stories, into the craziness called life. It's when life begins. Sixteen. The adventure builds up and takes off. Filled with happiness and tears and things you never thought were going to happen actually do happen.
Everyone I see got that, why didnt I?

So I guess..
Happy Birthday to Me, then.

a birthday girl, a fully fledged teenaged, 

Thursday, January 30, 2014


Thursday, January 30, 2014
Aku ingin jatuh cinta.
Seperti dulu aku jatuh cinta padamu.
Pada matamu yang menghimpun lautan.
Pada tubuh hutan hujan tropismu.
Pada suaramu yang serupa candu.
Aku ingin jatuh cinta seperti ketika aku jatuh cinta padamu.

Thursday, January 9, 2014


Thursday, January 9, 2014
Years of confusion,
Years of ignoring my feelings,
Years of self loathing,
Years of trying to accept myself,
The fear of society,
The fear of being honest to myself,
The fear of not being accepted,
The fear of being hated,
Going through sleepless nights,
Awkward conversations with friends and family.
I did not go through all that for you to tell me "I choose my lifestyle",
"It's a phase",
"I'm too young to know",
"I'm actually in love I just haven't figured it out yet",
"It's impossible to like both",
"Stop lying that doesn't exist",
I respect people beliefs but don't try to and tell me how to live my life when you have no idea what you're talking about.


Wednesday, January 1, 2014

new year, already?

Wednesday, January 1, 2014
it's been a half year that I dont write anything here. .....well, actually I write some, but never post it. 

uh, so. it's a new year, huh? just cant believe it. woke up earlier this morning and realized that it's already 2014! i freaked out a little. 

time goes by so fast. oh, too fast. too fast.

So, I just gonna say, HAPPY NEW YEAR, then!

did you celebrate it last night? with whom did you.. umm?

Some people asked me lately about the New Year's Resolution thing. and, I've got some actually. Right, I'm gonna tell you:

So It's 2014.
It's the year I'm gonna have my final exams, national final exams. prom. graduation from High School which I still couldnt imagine that I'll do this THIS fast. and, I'm gonna go to college, somewhere out there out of the town. 
This is the year where I'm gonna live by myself far from family, and far from my mom. I really am gonna organize my day individually and start by the middle of this year. This is the year I'm gonna have a bunch of new people to meet, new friends, new best friend. some new places to be a hangout place.
so my resolution is..all of the stuffs I'll make this full one year, are gonna be done very well. and I expect some unexpected things to come by. 
I also want to remove some bad things that always peek in to my feeling: awareness, anxiety, disorder, insecurity, sadness, sorrow, depression, hesitancy, and anything bad.
I just wanna have a year full of live worth living for, full of experiences worth writing for.amen.

and what about the things I did last year? umm..

The 2013.
I've spent the last year absolutely not wanting to be in a relationship (yeah, it was my number one priority of my resolution list), working on myself, done some school stuffs well (better, actually), etc. and I think I've accomplished and discovered many thing about myself that has helped me forward in my life. Some things I still do need to work on. But overall, I guess I'm still not feeling that so much comfortable in my skin, I still find my self-esteem out of nowhere, I know that's suck. but, i'm trying to work on it this year. 
Recently, I seem to have a re-ignited interest in an old crush of mine. I was thinking about it seriously and it's kind of scaring me. I can really see myself having a serious relationship with someone. I have never ever ever felt this way toward any of any crushes I've had. But, thing is happening otherwise with him. (wait, I should stop talking about it. he's not into me. so, umm)
there's the fact, I cant stop smiling imagining things that I wish would happen to him (and me, i wish). But yeah, the reality is that he's so so so so so much better than me. and He absolutely deserved(s) so much better than me. I'm just..... a mess (i know that's what he thinks of me), he's got it all figured out. The thing is, he makes me laugh even when he's not around.

and what I've learned?

Dear 2013,
I've been walked on, used, and forgotten and I dont want to regret one moment of it because in those moments, I've learned a lot
I've learned who I can trust and can't. I've learned the meaning of friendship. I've learned how to tell when people are lying and when they're sincere. I've learned ho to notice which are fake and not. I've learned how to be a teenager, and how to grow up when I need to. 
I think, that now I know how to forget some people who I'd known the best in past, people who gave me all the butterflies once, and made me skipped my heart. and I think I now know how to give up trying to rekindle any sort of friendship or relationship and regret ever letting them get away. but that's okay.
I've learned, that however.. life must go on. instead of that you never know how many days you've got left.

well, that one sounds so cheesy. I'm so sorry, I shouldve not published any of it. 

So, I guess.. I'm just gonna say it again. HAPPY NEW YEAR, everybody. May 2014 be full of joy, love and laughter.