Thursday, January 30, 2014


Thursday, January 30, 2014
Aku ingin jatuh cinta.
Seperti dulu aku jatuh cinta padamu.
Pada matamu yang menghimpun lautan.
Pada tubuh hutan hujan tropismu.
Pada suaramu yang serupa candu.
Aku ingin jatuh cinta seperti ketika aku jatuh cinta padamu.

Thursday, January 9, 2014


Thursday, January 9, 2014
Years of confusion,
Years of ignoring my feelings,
Years of self loathing,
Years of trying to accept myself,
The fear of society,
The fear of being honest to myself,
The fear of not being accepted,
The fear of being hated,
Going through sleepless nights,
Awkward conversations with friends and family.
I did not go through all that for you to tell me "I choose my lifestyle",
"It's a phase",
"I'm too young to know",
"I'm actually in love I just haven't figured it out yet",
"It's impossible to like both",
"Stop lying that doesn't exist",
I respect people beliefs but don't try to and tell me how to live my life when you have no idea what you're talking about.


Wednesday, January 1, 2014

new year, already?

Wednesday, January 1, 2014
it's been a half year that I dont write anything here. .....well, actually I write some, but never post it. 

uh, so. it's a new year, huh? just cant believe it. woke up earlier this morning and realized that it's already 2014! i freaked out a little. 

time goes by so fast. oh, too fast. too fast.

So, I just gonna say, HAPPY NEW YEAR, then!

did you celebrate it last night? with whom did you.. umm?

Some people asked me lately about the New Year's Resolution thing. and, I've got some actually. Right, I'm gonna tell you:

So It's 2014.
It's the year I'm gonna have my final exams, national final exams. prom. graduation from High School which I still couldnt imagine that I'll do this THIS fast. and, I'm gonna go to college, somewhere out there out of the town. 
This is the year where I'm gonna live by myself far from family, and far from my mom. I really am gonna organize my day individually and start by the middle of this year. This is the year I'm gonna have a bunch of new people to meet, new friends, new best friend. some new places to be a hangout place.
so my resolution is..all of the stuffs I'll make this full one year, are gonna be done very well. and I expect some unexpected things to come by. 
I also want to remove some bad things that always peek in to my feeling: awareness, anxiety, disorder, insecurity, sadness, sorrow, depression, hesitancy, and anything bad.
I just wanna have a year full of live worth living for, full of experiences worth writing for.amen.

and what about the things I did last year? umm..

The 2013.
I've spent the last year absolutely not wanting to be in a relationship (yeah, it was my number one priority of my resolution list), working on myself, done some school stuffs well (better, actually), etc. and I think I've accomplished and discovered many thing about myself that has helped me forward in my life. Some things I still do need to work on. But overall, I guess I'm still not feeling that so much comfortable in my skin, I still find my self-esteem out of nowhere, I know that's suck. but, i'm trying to work on it this year. 
Recently, I seem to have a re-ignited interest in an old crush of mine. I was thinking about it seriously and it's kind of scaring me. I can really see myself having a serious relationship with someone. I have never ever ever felt this way toward any of any crushes I've had. But, thing is happening otherwise with him. (wait, I should stop talking about it. he's not into me. so, umm)
there's the fact, I cant stop smiling imagining things that I wish would happen to him (and me, i wish). But yeah, the reality is that he's so so so so so much better than me. and He absolutely deserved(s) so much better than me. I'm just..... a mess (i know that's what he thinks of me), he's got it all figured out. The thing is, he makes me laugh even when he's not around.

and what I've learned?

Dear 2013,
I've been walked on, used, and forgotten and I dont want to regret one moment of it because in those moments, I've learned a lot
I've learned who I can trust and can't. I've learned the meaning of friendship. I've learned how to tell when people are lying and when they're sincere. I've learned ho to notice which are fake and not. I've learned how to be a teenager, and how to grow up when I need to. 
I think, that now I know how to forget some people who I'd known the best in past, people who gave me all the butterflies once, and made me skipped my heart. and I think I now know how to give up trying to rekindle any sort of friendship or relationship and regret ever letting them get away. but that's okay.
I've learned, that however.. life must go on. instead of that you never know how many days you've got left.

well, that one sounds so cheesy. I'm so sorry, I shouldve not published any of it. 

So, I guess.. I'm just gonna say it again. HAPPY NEW YEAR, everybody. May 2014 be full of joy, love and laughter.