Thursday, December 22, 2016

Selamat Hari Ibu!

Thursday, December 22, 2016
earlier this December.. I finally got a dimple. oh, no, you spelled it wrong, honey. it is pimple(s).

"Aku sudah dewasa, Ma!"
Aku hanya melihat sunggingan senyuman kecil, dan matanya yang berkaca.
Sudah nyata, anakmu sudah dewasa, Ma.
"Oh belum sayang, kamu belum siapmama belum siap,"
dewasa adalah ketika tidak melibatkan orang lain dalam permasalahan yang masih bisa diatasi berdua (oleh diri sendiri, dan Tuhan)
Oh, kau benar, Ma.
Aku juga belum siap.
Aku bahkan belum ingin mengucap terima kasih,
karena aku masih
butuh.
Bukan egois,
bukan manja,
atau mungkin sedikit,
aku hanya tidak ingin berhenti.

Karena tidak bosan berkontribusi,
dalam segala bentuk kebahagiaan dan penenang segala permasalahan.

Ma,
Kau masih, dan selalu, menjadi dering favorit dari telefon genggamku. 
...

Selamat hari ibu, Mama!
ditulis di kamar kecilku; 300 mil dari kamar Mama, selagi merindu pelukan mama.


Tuesday, December 20, 2016

#2

Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Coffee drinkers are less likely to commit suicide than non coffee drinkers.


 I read as I let the smoke of the coffee I just made late at 10 p.m sink into my lungs.
"Finch, that part of facts is more likely a lie,"

#1

I raised my hand. The look of everyone gave to me says; It is no surprise for her, she is always been down and depressed, it is just her. It is just her thing; her normal thing.
It came my time to voice up. "I am still in doubt whether if I should really ask about this, because I might get in trouble. But uh—well, we might merely know about how suicide is so-called a huge sin and mistake, surely the one people regret too lately after they decided to do it, and over to the fact that they could never come back. As a doctor to be, can we call ourselves victims? Victimized by this enormous huge sin—because we're trapped in this one medical abbreviation termed Euthanasia, because we help them for their suicidal decision?"
"Where did you find out the word? We haven't get into that part of lecture yet,"
"Once this movie, and then there is this book,"
"Which about?"
"About a guy who was solemnly ready, committed prepared about his death. But, he didn't want it to be an accidental death that happened to about 1.3 millions people each year, so he came all prepared, even practiced all of it before the accidental death-destiny came after him. And he also didn't like the way most people did to themselves; cutting their hands to bleed until they die, he found it as 'foolishly painful', people just gonna laugh at you about how depressed you were, and because you look bloody and stink when they found your body. He didn't like being intoxicated either, not with smoke, or overdosed with narcs and meds,  not healthy. He wanted to be asleep—a term he liked to use better, with calm and looking healthy. He once thought about the carbon monoxide things in his bedroom, but he also thought about when his family found his body later on, on which the gas would likely to kill his family too, and he didn't want that, he cared too much about his family. What he always wanted to do was drowning, because he was fascinated by the idea of it; being asleep in a very calming and quiet way, the only problem is that his body will be found looking so white, so pale, shrink and wrinkly. Until one day, he found this methods called Euthanasia, but it so complicated and riot, it made him to include family and friend's approval which was so ridiculous, because he didn't want his surrounding to be contributed in the process of his Asleep. But in the end, eventually, there are doctors who agreed to help him, to keep him at ease; to be asleep. So, what I'm saying is, if they ever thought about it, why the act of it does legally happen all around the world? Should we really help them and be care less about the sin that might weigh us, or?"
He sucked in a great amount of gas, his body shows how his shocking alarm went on, causing him forget to catch a breath listening to me, as he tried to find the gap of where I actually describing myself. "Talking about sin and helping; who knows?"



I didn't talk about death that much, though I lied.
Firstly, Finch did smoke.
Secondly, Finch found that Euthanasia Coaster doesn't actually exist. It is a screwed up irony.
Thirdly, Finch still fancied that Sir Patrick Moore's theory about disappearing in a black hole.
Lastly, they found his body swollen, bloated, dead, and blue.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

terang.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016
bahwa dalam redupnya malam, tersimpan terang sekecil apapun.
kecoa, kelelawar, kunang-kunang, laron, ngengat, kancil, musang, ayam tetangga, satpam shift jaga malam, pekerja prostitusi, konglomerat, maling, ahli ibadah, supir taksi, seorang ibu, bayi, pelajar yang sedang ujian,
dan juga aku,
kali ini bukan tentang kamu,
hanya aku,
kecil dan menyala.

Yogyakarta, 13 Desember 2016

Friday, December 9, 2016

the end.

Friday, December 9, 2016
".. platonically," i said.
and suddenly all the bliss meets the excruciating ending.

Friday, October 21, 2016

Sudah lupa.

Friday, October 21, 2016
Aku tak bisa mengingat, bagaimana senyummu membuatku; melagu atau meragu.

Setelah 57 hari. But, I mean, who's counting?

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Jatuh.

Sunday, September 4, 2016
Ada kala berpengalaman.
Dua tiga zaman.
Satu jatuh berpegang aman,
Dikiranya.

Sedikit tahu,
Sebelum keputusan, urungkan,
Banyak macam keterbelakangan;
1. Cinta pada memontum dan jatuh di saatnya. Jangan.
2. Cinta pada idealisnya. Pada topik dan keberadaannya. Hilang maka jatuh. Jangan.
3. Cinta pada konsistensi waktu yang berputar, dan atas nama jenuh, jatuh. Jangan.
4. Cinta pada perasaannya, membara bahagia. Tuhan cipta air. Jatuh memadam. Jangan.
5. Cinta pada bahagianya mereka. Dan jatuh milik prioritas. Apalagi. Jangan.

Jangan tertipu,
ia manis tapi mengutuk.

Jangan jatuh.
Tetap mengayuh.
Teruntuk cinta yang berhak, yang dikehendak.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Loving someone.

Saturday, July 16, 2016
I am forever in alongside the boys in jumpers on bikes
From schools and cars with autumn leaves
Fallen sparse across the mid-afternoon
She blazed about how 'cultural language is an operating system,
a simple interface
rendered feeble and listless when tested with
Divinity or a true understanding of the human condition
I never did understand
The duality of art and reality
Living life and treating it as such
There's a certain disconnect to touch
that cajoles at the artist with comfort and abandon
Between the spires and the
rolling roofs of the white city
that orange English light
cast only one, singular shadow
For you are not beside but within me.
...

Saturday, May 14, 2016

somebody else.

Saturday, May 14, 2016
So I heard you found somebody else
And at first I thought it was a lie
I took all my things that make sounds
The rest I can do without

I don't want your body
But I hate to think about you with somebody else
Our love has gone cold
You're intertwining your soul with somebody else

I'm looking through you while you're looking through your phone
And then leaving with somebody else
No, I don't want your body
But I'm picturing your body with somebody else

Come on baby
This ain't the last time that I'll see your face
Come on baby
You said you'd find someone to take my place
... 
- #The1975

Selamat Sabtu Malam.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

miserable.

Thursday, April 14, 2016
23.46

I was just so reminiscing back in the day, where live gets hard by myself, and it was just fine,
when movies took the huge part on me,
when movies weren't boring and expensive.
when living was cheap.
when i don't have to eat everytime i'm hungry, just because i think i do
when writing was the only biggest goal.
when i can cry alone in my room and nobody can hear, and it was so fine by then,
when i can just listen to some good sad songs underneath the rain.

I was such a loner, and a sucker for socializing and caring. but i miss the days,
when i can just lie in my bed, without having to answer all the messages, because nobody is really disturbing, but it was so nice by then.
when i can just lie in my bed all day, without having to take a bath, or going out to have some rices. 

I was so turned down back at the time, but those days were better enough thinking by now. 
when i just have to act happy all the time, but it was really fine, and not a problem
when i can just hide your feeling, easily
when i can just be sad everyday, but it was really fine. because it happens everyday, so.

Just really longing, the time
when everything can remain sad but it was fine,
when everything can also remain a cheap happiness.

...
why does it feel so miserable being reasonably happy?

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Tuesday, February 2, 2016
To the girl that never really loved me,
I don’t hate you. I don’t hate what we had or what we’ve become. I hate that some one you shared a history with can become someone you don’t even text anymore in a blink of an eye. It can change from the best times to the worst times. It can go from laughing till you’re crying to just crying. It sucks when you look back on it and gave more then the person could ever give you. Maybe it’s just an enteral optimism, or the fact that I thought I could fix you. I thought the more I gave, the more I cared, the more I looked past things and just loved you would start to feel the same, give the same, care the same, look past things and just love the same. Sadly, that’s not how it works, you can give your whole heart and not get anything in return. It’s tricky, our love was tricky. The worst part of ending things was the feelings attached, no matter how hard you try to let go. The constant reminder of the little things of you.
I’m not mad at you for never loving me the way I loved you, too often of the time people are afraid to use that word, love you know? We’ve all had different experiences that lead us to where we are that taint the way we love and the way we look at life. I’ll forget about you eventually, right now it’s just a habit I can’t break. I just forget to forget you sometimes.
To the person you decide to love eventually I hope you look at them the same way you used to look at me, when they smile you smile, they buy you little things just because, they listen to your rants about politics even though they hate the subject, I hope you get a dog, and have the babies you always wanted and you can have everything you wanted through them, and your face lights up everyday with it. But most of all I hope you learn to love yourself before you try to love them. They deserve that, you deserve that. Love yourself, love your silly laugh, your body, your experiences, your drunken videos that your embarrassed you made the next day, your sober thoughts to your drunken thoughts and everything in between. I hope you love yourself so you get the love you deserve with the right hands to hold you.
That’s my hope for you, that’s what I want from you.

-