Thursday, December 22, 2016

Selamat Hari Ibu!

Thursday, December 22, 2016
earlier this December.. I finally got a dimple. oh, no, you spelled it wrong, honey. it is pimple(s).

"Aku sudah dewasa, Ma!"
Aku hanya melihat sunggingan senyuman kecil, dan matanya yang berkaca.
Sudah nyata, anakmu sudah dewasa, Ma.
"Oh belum sayang, kamu belum siapmama belum siap,"
dewasa adalah ketika tidak melibatkan orang lain dalam permasalahan yang masih bisa diatasi berdua (oleh diri sendiri, dan Tuhan)
Oh, kau benar, Ma.
Aku juga belum siap.
Aku bahkan belum ingin mengucap terima kasih,
karena aku masih
Bukan egois,
bukan manja,
atau mungkin sedikit,
aku hanya tidak ingin berhenti.

Karena tidak bosan berkontribusi,
dalam segala bentuk kebahagiaan dan penenang segala permasalahan.

Kau masih, dan selalu, menjadi dering favorit dari telefon genggamku. 

Selamat hari ibu, Mama!
ditulis di kamar kecilku; 300 mil dari kamar Mama, selagi merindu pelukan mama.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016


Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Coffee drinkers are less likely to commit suicide than non coffee drinkers.

 I read as I let the smoke of the coffee I just made late at 10 p.m sink into my lungs.
"Finch, that part of facts is more likely a lie,"


I raised my hand. The look of everyone gave to me says; It is no surprise for her, she is always been down and depressed, it is just her. It is just her thing; her normal thing.
It came my time to voice up. "I am still in doubt whether if I should really ask about this, because I might get in trouble. But uh—well, we might merely know about how suicide is so-called a huge sin and mistake, surely the one people regret too lately after they decided to do it, and over to the fact that they could never come back. As a doctor to be, can we call ourselves victims? Victimized by this enormous huge sin—because we're trapped in this one medical abbreviation termed Euthanasia, because we help them for their suicidal decision?"
"Where did you find out the word? We haven't get into that part of lecture yet,"
"Once this movie, and then there is this book,"
"Which about?"
"About a guy who was solemnly ready, committed prepared about his death. But, he didn't want it to be an accidental death that happened to about 1.3 millions people each year, so he came all prepared, even practiced all of it before the accidental death-destiny came after him. And he also didn't like the way most people did to themselves; cutting their hands to bleed until they die, he found it as 'foolishly painful', people just gonna laugh at you about how depressed you were, and because you look bloody and stink when they found your body. He didn't like being intoxicated either, not with smoke, or overdosed with narcs and meds,  not healthy. He wanted to be asleep—a term he liked to use better, with calm and looking healthy. He once thought about the carbon monoxide things in his bedroom, but he also thought about when his family found his body later on, on which the gas would likely to kill his family too, and he didn't want that, he cared too much about his family. What he always wanted to do was drowning, because he was fascinated by the idea of it; being asleep in a very calming and quiet way, the only problem is that his body will be found looking so white, so pale, shrink and wrinkly. Until one day, he found this methods called Euthanasia, but it so complicated and riot, it made him to include family and friend's approval which was so ridiculous, because he didn't want his surrounding to be contributed in the process of his Asleep. But in the end, eventually, there are doctors who agreed to help him, to keep him at ease; to be asleep. So, what I'm saying is, if they ever thought about it, why the act of it does legally happen all around the world? Should we really help them and be care less about the sin that might weigh us, or?"
He sucked in a great amount of gas, his body shows how his shocking alarm went on, causing him forget to catch a breath listening to me, as he tried to find the gap of where I actually describing myself. "Talking about sin and helping; who knows?"

I didn't talk about death that much, though I lied.
Firstly, Finch did smoke.
Secondly, Finch found that Euthanasia Coaster doesn't actually exist. It is a screwed up irony.
Thirdly, Finch still fancied that Sir Patrick Moore's theory about disappearing in a black hole.
Lastly, they found his body swollen, bloated, dead, and blue.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016


Tuesday, December 13, 2016
bahwa dalam redupnya malam, tersimpan terang sekecil apapun.
kecoa, kelelawar, kunang-kunang, laron, ngengat, kancil, musang, ayam tetangga, satpam shift jaga malam, pekerja prostitusi, konglomerat, maling, ahli ibadah, supir taksi, seorang ibu, bayi, pelajar yang sedang ujian,
dan juga aku,
kali ini bukan tentang kamu,
hanya aku,
kecil dan menyala.

Yogyakarta, 13 Desember 2016

Friday, December 9, 2016

the end.

Friday, December 9, 2016
".. platonically," i said.
and suddenly all the bliss meets the excruciating ending.