Sunday, May 7, 2017

nightmares.

Sunday, May 7, 2017
remind me:
setelah usia 20 tahun besok, ku akan cerita tentang penjahat kelamin yang selalu menghantui selama dua tahun belakangan. okay?

see you later, fellas.

Friday, April 21, 2017

memory lane.

Friday, April 21, 2017
February 2015, wasn't it?

video

Thursday, March 30, 2017

cassé

Thursday, March 30, 2017
oh hey kids, we're all just the same,
what a shame.

from the sounds i hear late at nights, around the street of the city you'll love;
"my dad died while I won a beauty pageant. i have never been feeling so worthless,"
"i receive no affection from my parents. my dad suffers from ptsd, and i hoped my granny hadn't died. now, as soon as i got home, the sooner i want to leave."
"i have been diagnosed with depression and timeless sadness for three years, and it's not getting better. my dad hung up on me while i broke down."
"my parents got divorce; firstly because my dad cheated unpleasantly gazillion times, he also didn't support my mom's belief."
"i have given up many times, i self-harmed, i told my mom i wanted to kill myself. if it wasn't for my nana, i would've not been here."
"no matter how hard i tried, my dad wanted me to get out of the house, because i didn't satisfy him enough with my gpa."

it's ashamed for everyone who willingly did everything to comply ruthlessness, as if everything they've been built, came with all supports and assistance, only allowed to be ruled by the subjectivity of Mr. Know-It-All.

we're unexceptionally broken, maybe that's why we feel the most connected.
and we agreed on; never will i want to be the parents that my parents are to me.

...
not hypothetically talking, but;
we are not designed to live alone,
neither to feel alone.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Maret dan yang Belum Selesai

Saturday, March 25, 2017
Kita satu frekuensi tidak ya?

Maret deras di semua tempat. Rumah ibu kos, kamar, gedung kuliah, ruang tutorial, kafe, mall, jalan raya. 
Saya khawatir kalau ternyata muasal hujan ini adalah diri saya sendiri. Tapi sepertinya tidak. Orang-orang juga mengeluh dan mengeluh. Awan lebih narsis dari biasa.

Maret deras sekali, apalagi ditambah perasaan saya yang awut-awutan. Saya mulai perhitungan. Saya buka ulang setiap pesan yang saya kirim. Belum juga kamu buka. Saya tidak suka diabaikan. Setidaksuka saya dengan susu putih, sambal dan durian. 
Dan lain waktu saya tertelan juga.

Bagaimana ya mendefinisikan perasaan saya?
Kadang ingin saya coba rumus baru bagaimana menyatakan yang ingin saya katakan dan layak didengarkan.
Kadang susah sekali ya bilang saya kangen,
atau bertanya kenapa saya diabaikan.

Sepertinya, kita memang tidak satu frekuensi.

(rc) HS

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

very much.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017
i wrote you too much,
you remembered me not much.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

stargazing you.

Thursday, March 16, 2017
I stargazed the way with me, he dance,
until he intertwined with her; such radiance,
whirlwind romance.
I got so blind, 
by the dirt I dug, I could not unwind.

we are no lovers in suburbs,
than between wires and ringing engines,
in his lover's eyes, there are amphetamines,
I can sugarcoat mine.
I won't disturb.

I am no Peter Gabriel,
I'd stay scattered, unraveled,
but I could turn into Bukoswki,
I'd burn in water, drown in flame, and drink some brewski.

Let it stay unfinished,
I'd stay blemished,
and your lips stay peevish.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Api.

Thursday, March 2, 2017
Kau memercik
Kau menekik

Bukan kepayang hati ini tergeletak,
Kau tahu, kau mengelak,
Menggertak tetap menolak

Aku lelah dipanggil sayang,
Karena bukan jalan kau pulang.

Monday, January 30, 2017

bukan insomnia.

Monday, January 30, 2017
jam tiga pagi.
dan belum memejam.
bukan,
kali ini bukan karena kafeinbukan kopi, teh, apalagi cokelat. bukan juga sedang lembur belajar ujian. bukan juga panik menunggu hasil ujian. bukan karena sedang maraton film tahun sembilan puluhan, apalagi maraton drama korea. bukan karena sedang sedih, apalagi sedang banyak pikiran. bukan. bukan juga karena sedang tahajud selagi menunggu sahur. bukan juga karena lagi menguntit media sosial mantan-mantan gebetan, oh, apalagi karena sedang jatuh cinta. bukan.
karena apa.

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Saturday, January 28, 2017
...
we were on the phone last night,
twenty-three minutes long,
do you remember?
i don't recall embracing the rhyme
our voices made,
but,
until we were laughing; 
echoed like we were in love.

and,
from that moment,
i want you to devour me,
a whole of me.
and i wouldn't mind
the riot i was thinking, late
in the last few days.

Friday, January 20, 2017

perihal kesalahan.

Friday, January 20, 2017
"bagaimana kalau bahagiaku itu kamu?"
"jangan. nanti sungsang, kamu akan susah. aku akan resah."
"sebab apa? aku bisa tak harus terang-terangan."
lalu jawabmu, "itu sebabnya."

Monday, January 16, 2017

Monday, January 16, 2017
oh no, it feels weird to be hand-wrapped by someone who is not; you.
oh fuck,
it was traumatic.